This past weekend has been completely... emotional for me. On many levels. For starters, someone I've been friends with for quite some time just up and ended our friendship. No real reason. No explanation. Nothing. Through the powers of social networking, I discovered she no longer wants me in her life and I don't know why. It hurts, but I need to trust that God will enlighten me. I am now on the hunt for a new Godmother for our future child. Some may think it's silly to have Godparents lined up before we even have a baby, but we truly want Godparents to be there for this entire journey. The man I chose to be Godfather is amazing. He has been my best friend for over 15 years and I'm blessed to have him in my life!
Secondly, it truly has come to my attention that no one understands infertility unless it's been experienced. For the past 4+ years, my husband and I have been through disappointment, heartache, and pain. We never once expected to have difficulty on the road to parenthood. However, for some reason people feel that they have a right to speak of our marriage without us there. And even though it is hear-say, it's still hurtful. I am struggling big time trying to understand this. We are very open about our struggles with infertility. Why not come to US to talk to US about it? If you are curious or would like to have a conversation, have it with US. We're very open about it. We have nothing to hide. There is no shame in this. I feel bad that people have been made to feel as if they are the "middle man" because these other two people haven't got the courage to speak to us. And the reason WHY they do not come to speak to us is because of a situation that came about over 18 months ago. Luckily (if I can even say that), these two people are aware of this blog. These two people live together so I'm fairly sure one of them will see this. This is my PLEA to please STOP discussing our marriage and infertility with others. It is hurtful. A marriage is between two people and God. No one else. We openly and willingly speak of infertility in hopes to provide compassion, help, guidance, faith, and optimism to others. Please PLEASE stop putting other people in the middle and come to me directly. If I lived closer, I'd ask this in person. And if I see you at the next family function, I feel the right thing to do is to confront you on this. I do not like speculation, theories, and random gossip ... if you really want to know how we are, what is going on and what we're preparing for - ask us.
In addition to the lack of understanding and compassion when it comes to infertility, I think there is an aspect of false-faith. Just because IVF and IUI are successful, it doesn't mean they are always successful. Being a critic on the approach someone is or is not taking isn't exactly kind. I'm exhausted of people saying to us, "Oh still no kids, how about that IVF?" It's just not that simple.
Lastly, I'm scared. No... scratch that. I'm terrified. This week we will be getting reports of testing back and meeting this new team. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what my future holds. I just know that I've been having dreams filled with babies. Dead and alive. And they're scary. I have dreams of feeling my baby kick, feeling little waves of movement, dreams of feeling radiant and ready to be a mother. But then I dream of seeing a baby and it's clearly my baby. And I have my hand extended for the baby to grab. And it doesn't happen. The baby coos and coos and wriggles and wraggles alone in a crib but doesn't see me, doesn't grab me, nothing. I don't get it. It's not easy for me to admit fear. But I can admit faith.
I just know God is going to provide for us.
I just know God has a plan for us.
I just know God would not put these desires in us for nothing.
I don't know if I'll ever have a biological child of my own.
I don't know if I'll ever experience the miracle of giving birth.
But I do know that God has blessed me with the longing to be a mother. God has blessed my husband with the longing to be a father.
God has blessed us with an incredible marriage and relationship.
God has blessed us on so many levels. He will provide.
I just wish I wasn't afraid. It seems hypocritical. I have high faith and high fear. I wish there were a cream for these things to just make the negative go away.
It reminds me of Forrest Gump: "Dear God, Make me a bird - so I can fly far... far, far, away from here." But instead I want to say, "Dear God, Make my fear fly. Fly far far away, far far away from here."