Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Day 7

Day 7:   What was the biggest realization that you've had?

Well, don't hate me for this ya'll....

Everything happens for a reason, and it's in God's plan for me, and in His time.
God created me, it's not always my place to understand my body which was His creation and His plan.

I think back sometimes and think "If only someone took me seriously...."  
"If only my doctors listened....."
"If only we knew my progesterone issues sooner...."
If only...
If only....
If only....

But the reality is I learned from my miscarriages.
I learned from my pain.
I grew from it.
It changed me.

And my pain has helped other women.
I've gone through things that may have helped prevent the same things happen to someone else.

Maybe God was using my body as a vessel because He knew I wouldn't lose my faith in him.
He knew I'd get angry with him, and with myself and with my doctors....
But God created me and He KNOWS when I have a problem - I find a solution.

Years ago while going through infertility, if someone said to me - "Everything happens for a reason" I probably would have beat the tar out of them.   Or threw something at them.   Or even told them off.    There was such anger with infertility - anger out of frustration - out of pain - out of loss!    There's lots of "Why me?"   And "Seriously, God?   Trust me, I had it out several times with God.    I told God that He was being completely unfair to me.    But then it hit me.   Look what Jesus went through for me.    Look what God has done for me.    I had to let that anger at God go and direct it elsewhere.   I directed it at my doctors at the time.   I demanded answers.   And as stupid and corny and ridiculous as this sounds, I believe the God lead me on that path.    I needed to get angry.   I needed to find my angel in the world of medicine.   I think too often I took too much for granted and if there's anything that makes you stop and smell the roses, it's infertility.  

There were blessings in infertility.
Look at my ticker on this blog - I have several readers!
I've met amazing women whom I'm proud to call friends.
I've helped my friends.
I've networked.
I've given PCOS a voice and plan to continue to do so.
My marriage was strong but it made us stronger.
It made our love stronger.

And there is not one day that has passed in the past 2+ years that I haven't thanked God for Elliot.    I prayed for Elliot to exist, I prayed for him while in my womb and I pray and praise God daily for him.

It's funny, not too long ago someone made a comment to me about how they were surprised that I am still an advocate for PCOS and infertility after having Elliot.    I looked at them and said, "Wow... you really don't know me at all then....."

Maybe my diagnosis is part of my calling.

I've learned not to question God but to trust in Him and His plan.    He knows what's up.   Everything happens for a reason.    There are lessons.    And for me.... the lesson really wasn't fully learned until I held Elliot in my arms for the first time.   Don't hate me.

2 comments:

BunniTrulove said...

"God has a plan" is so not what I want to hear. But seeing as this is the second time I am hearing it in the span of a week, I suppose I should pay attention. Leaving a situation in God's hands is so not my strong suit. Oh well, here goes...

Faithful Leigh said...

It wasn't what I wanted to hear, either. Or what I want to hear some days. It sticks in the back of my mind though. I could have thrown bricks some days if I heard that - hope I didn't upset you. But now that I reflect on my journey, everything has come together - it makes sense. Even the really crappy parts.

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