Monday, August 19, 2013

Having a baby isn't going to save your marriage.... yea, I said it.

Lately, I've felt the need to write about this.    This topic seems to be everywhere!

Women who "accidentally" get pregnant to keep their husband.
Women who think having a baby will make their marriage improve.

Trying to conceive is stressful.
You grow up with this idea that one day you will find your prince charming.
You will have a beautiful wedding.
You will have a great life together and one day you two will decide to have a baby and you'll be pregnant.   And you will live happily ever after....

But the reality is, crap happens.
Just keeping it real folks.  
PCOS happens
Infertility happens
Stress comes.

When TTC you NEED to be on the same page with your partner.
You have to be.    You can't be doing it all (you need him for some things of course) - but you need to be on the same page with goals.   You need to COMMUNICATE about what you are feeling.   What you are experiencing.   What is frustrating you.   What is exciting you.  He NEEDS to do his best to be there for your appointments, regardless how major/minor they are.  HE needs to communicate his feelings too!  

When Mark and I started TTC we had no idea we'd have problems.   I knew something was wrong with my body since I was a teen but I thought I married a nice fertile man and we could make things work on our own.  We went through A LOT together.   He was there through it all.   And when we finally met Dr. P and got the real scoop, you can bet Mark was right there at those appointments.  

I get annoyed when women vent about how their husband won't get tested.    Yes, there is a pride factor.   But come on men, do it!   It's much easier for you to be tested first.    When I read things like this, I think to myself, "Oh man.... if THIS is uncomfortable for them.... wait until pregnancy DOES happen and life after baby!"

Unfortunately there are men out there who DO want children and their wife DOES struggle and the MAN does NOT get too involved, he figures "Okay, she's ovulating now.   She needs me now.   Literally."    Not the case fellas, you should be there all the time.   Be there with her to hear her thoughts.  Listen to her concerns.  Talk about long and short term goals.   Talk about the what is and the what ifs.  

Marriage isn't always roses and butterflies.   There are tough times.   The thing is you HAVE to communicate.   You have to say the things you are feeling regardless of how brutal they may be.  Thinking a baby is going to make all your marriage problems disappear is foolish.  

When you're talking about trying to conceive you are talking about a LIFE.  
You are talking about LIFE.
A human being.
A baby.
Someone who is going to be 50% you and 50% him.
If you feel having a baby is going to make your marriage better, you need to STOP.  You need to focus on your MARRIAGE first.   Because when that baby comes will be the true test.   There are frustrations with pregnancy and having a child.   You need to be a team.   100% of the time.  No exceptions.   I won't even bring in the stress of finances that can come with having a child....

I mean never in my dreams did I imagine the following things happening while pregnant..... and thank God I've got myself an amazing man..... but poor Mark!   While pregnant he....

  • cleaned the puke out of my hair
  • figured out why I was puking (developed lactose intolerance, lol)
  • stayed up with me while sick
  • gave countless massages
  • helped me with my cravings
  • helped me get dressed when I was too darn huge to do so on my own
  • went to pretty much every doctors appointment
  • asked doctors questions he knew I had but had the "fog" and forgot to ask
  • dealt with emotions.....
  • the list could go on and on....
Then AFTER Elliot got here.... Mark was there to 
  • help me nurse
  • help me shower
  • he got up to rock Elliot to sleep and let me sleep even though he had work the next day
  • helped take care of my incision
  • was there to cover me when things "leaked" and Elliot needed to be tended to (no one told me that could happen, whoa!)
  • listen to my joys and sorrows
  • laugh with me
  • cry with me
  • celebrate with me
I will say I do feel being pregnant was a VERY intimate experience.
I never expected to LOVE my husband more than I already did.
And even now, with Elliot's second birthday approaching I still fall in love with him seeing him as my hubby and as a Daddy.

But my point is a baby will NOT save your marriage.

If there is tension.... find what the cause is... work to fix it.

If there is doubt or insecurity..... talk about it.

If you're not feeling 100% on one level or another .... address it.

Talk to someone whether it is your friend or pastor or mother, talk to someone....get those thoughts out and then find a nice way to approach your spouse and talk to them.

I give single mothers A LOT of credit.
I could not be a single mom.   It's a tough job!

Parenting is such a wonderful experience, and it's a job I love.    But I also know that you need to be on the same page.   You need to have that love.   That trust.   That communication.    

If you're feeling iffy about TTC or your marriage..... talk it out!   

Remember, a marriage is NOT 50/50.   It's 100/100.

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