Monday, April 26, 2010


I am very blessed. I have AMAZING friends. I love the people I work with. I love the people in my personal life. I just feel very blessed. Today, I received sad news about a friend and her baby. I was a bit down and later in the day a dear friend came by with a gift for me and I was so surprised! A present is always a treat, but a present on a gloomy Monday - wow! This is what she gave me and I LOVE it. I have it in my bedroom so I see it when I wake up... and I see it when I go to bed. So thank you my dear friend (you know who you are)!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The big question...

On May 10th I have a very important appointment with my docs.
Very important.
VERY important....
And lately I've been thinking about one main question.... and to some it is kind of silly. But here it is: How much should I let God and how much should I let science? It's a bit of a debate. Some say, it's all up to GOD. Some say, God invented science. Needless to say, I've got a lot to pray about between now and the 10th.
So is there a debate?
Do I just let God or do I let science?
Or does science help God?
Discuss if you dare.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Great song!

I was looking up some videos by TD Jakes and ended up stumbing upon a song called "No less than a woman" by Lady Saw. Click here to see/hear the music video. The lyrics are here.

I really like this song and found it to be uplifting.

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately...

I wish I knew where God was calling us... part of me thinks I'll have children naturally - but I'm also reading "Finding Me" by Rosie O'Donnell (giving her a second chance) and her experiences with adoption are SO inspiring.

Sunday, April 18, 2010


Just to clarify: I do believe in adoption. I feel adoption is a wonderful wonderful blessing. I am NOT against adoption. Adoption is something my husband and I need to investigate further literally and emotionally. I didn't want my previous post to sound offensive towards anyone who has been adopted or has adopted. We are all for it! In a perfect world, we'd have our own biological baby and then adopt a few years later. But you know how the saying goes....

"Man plans - God laughs."

I know God will lead us to the right place. There is a baby for us, we know that. The question is how this baby will come to us. :)

What NOT to say

I think it's important for a husband and wife to have TIME to be husband and wife. Going from the transition of dating to marriage is serious. I wanted to make sure we focused on US and OUR marriage before running around like crazy planning for a baby. (I mean heck, we just got done planning the wedding). I also feel that a marriage is between two people and God. No one else. This is why it will be quite rare for you to ever read a post from me about marital things.

With that said... there are things people need to learn JUST NOT TO SAY...EVER. Here are some examples:
1. Never ask a woman her age or weight.
2. Never ask a woman why she is single.
3. Never ask a woman/couple WHY they are without children. It's rude, and not your business. We live in a world where people assume that you're infertile if you are child-free. HOWEVER, some people make that choice to be child-free.

In addition to this, there are things that should NEVER ever be said to a woman dealing with infertility. So here are some of those things...

1. "How long have you been married? No children?"
-- It's been my experience that people who utter these words truly have no clue about you and really deserve no comment at all what-so-ever.

2. "Stop stressing. Go on vacation. Have some wine. It will happen."
Ummmm... no. Not quite. Going on vacation isn't going to make my ovaries or uterus perform properly. Going on vacation isn't going to land me in aisle three of BabyLand. And when you want a child so badly, it's part of your HEART and part of your SOUL. It's a DESIRE. And it doesn't go away. That desire can be confused with stress.

3. "What if you try to lose some weight?"
Really? So if I weigh 94 pounds I'll have a child? Good to know. Taking on the roll of doctor is never wise. It's been my personal experience with infertility and my team of doctors that a healthy diet and weight being maintained is more important than dropping a few pounds before conception.

4. "Just stop trying!" This also goes along with "I knew this one couple who...."
which is also known as the encouragement urban legend. It's almost as if people become automatic fiction authors. If it were really that simple to "stop trying" ... chances are people would take the advice.

5. "You're still young. You have time."
Actually, age is a huge factor with infertility and options. Get the facts before uttering these words.

6. "Ugh! No kids? Want mine?"
This statement is usually made with a little laugh afterwards. As if an infertile woman wants someone who is frustrated with parenting giving them advice. Don't offer your children to me. It's sweet, but a bit sick.

7. "My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!"
Really? Do I need to elaborate on how wrong this comment is???

8. "Well, it was just a miscarriage - it wasn't really a baby, just a fetus."
No, no, no, nooooooooo, NO. Sperm + Egg = baby. It's that simple. Going through a miscarriage is a terrible experience. There is pain on every level and you just don't "bounce back" from it next cycle. It's a life. And it's lost. It's hard.

9. "Just don't become like Octomom!"
I really don't know what this means. Is someone saying you don't deserve more than one child? Or are they saying they don't want you to have multiples?

10. "You guys make good money. Why not do IVF?" IVF is something my husband and I haven't even begun to touch yet and with good reason. I read the following sentences in another blog and couldn't agree more: IVF is a long and arduous procedure. It taxes a womans body and her emotions in a way only someone undergoing it can understand. It puts strain on your marriage. It's very expensive. It is often not covered by health insurance and there is no guaranteed outcome. Not to mention the ethical issues to tackle with embyro creation and freezing and what to do with them once done...

11. And last but not least.... the ever so common ... "JUST ADOPT!"
For the record: I am NOT against adoption. I think adoption is a wonderful thing. HOWEVER, some women want to experience all of motherhood. I want to experience every month of pregnancy and all the milestones of being pregnant. I want to give birth. I want to nurse. I also want a child of my own flesh and blood. Would I ever adopt? Yes. Definitely.

My frustration when people say "Just adopt" is that it's almost an insult - in my opinion and experience - anytime this has been said to myself or my husband... it almost felt like our struggles weren't taken seriously. I think adoption is a wonderful and beautiful thing. I have several friends who are adopted and know several people who have adopted. Adoption is GREAT! It's just not the greatest thing to bring up to someone with a fresh wound related to infertility. I'll probably post more about adoption in later entries. I need to pray about it before I post about it though.

I do believe God has a plan for everyone.
I sometimes wish I had a crystal ball to see what was in store for us and our struggles.

So to my friends out there dealing with infertility... have you ever experienced anything like this? Did I miss anything?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


Last night I received a few emails from friends on facebook. The emails were stories of theirs and how my blog is helping them. This is completely wonderful! I'm sorry to hear I'm not alone in my struggles, but it's nice to know that I'm providing some sort of ministry through technology. It was nice to hear that my words aren't falling on deaf ears. I'm thinking about publishing peoples stories with infertility but of course not using real names, etc...

My friend Beth sent me this link and I thought it was really a neat article.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Song: I would die for that

Very powerful video.

Power in Silence, Power in Music, Power in Prayer

The waiting game is over. I keep asking myself to calm down when disappointment comes but it's hard. I'm glad I chose to do this blog because it helps ME and if it helps me, it's possible it is helping others.

So to those dealing with these issues... what do YOU do when you are disappointed? For me... I'm silent. I cry. I cry until I sleep it off. It helps me. Silence helps me, tears HELP me.

Then comes the next stage... music.

Have you ever heard this song? It's "Her Diamonds" by Rob Thomas and it's about how he feels when his wife is "down" due to her illness and in a way it reminds me of my husband. He is going through this too. Not physically, but with me none-the-less.

After I'm done being silent and listening to music... I pray. And usually it's more like a conversation between God and I - but still prayer. And then I feel better. And then I feel re-assured ... and then I just feel in my heart that this isn't it for me... there will be a baby for us. How? I don't know. I just know God will provide.

Psalm 39:7 --> "But now Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in YOU."

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Hope for Belinda, and all "Belinda's"

After posting this entry on this site and on my personal journal I went to bed and woke up to the most beautiful email with a comment to the entry. It was from my dearest friend, Belinda. While my Belinda is one in a million, I'm sure there are many "Belinda's" out there. Myself included.

Her comment read: "Seriously, I love you. And I needed this. Thank you for putting things into perspective for me and giving me a moment to just tell myself to breath it all out... you are just what I need in my life, and I am thankful for you."

I cried as I read this beautiful comment. I'd like to reply to my Belinda - and all "Belinda's out there"...

My dearest Belinda,

It's so unfortunate to discover that conceiving is easier said than done.
It's challenging, heart breaking, frustrating and painful.
Troubles with infertility cause you to doubt yourself, your body, your destiny, and especially your faith.
There are no magic words to heal the pain of disappointment.
There are no magic words to heal the pain of a miscarriage either.

But there is one "thing"... and it has taken me nearly four years to realize this...

God has a plan for you.
God has a plan for me.
God has a plan for all of us.

Rejoice in your love of your husband.
Rejoice in your love of life.
Rejoice in yourself, and your strength.

I wish I could take away your pain. I would if I could.
I wish I could answer your questions. I wish I could answer my own.

But I've learned that the most powerful lesson is that there needs to be Trust. And I've learned that it's okay to get angry with God from time to time. He's listening to you always. It took me a long time to realize that. So take the time to flip out. It helps. God hears you, you are not alone. And remember - I'm only a phone call away.


Proverbs 3: 5-6

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Waiting Game...

The Waiting Game.

Most women wanting a child know this game well. It's that WAIT. That way too long wait to the question "Am I Pregnant?" or "Is this our month?" OR "Come on... this HAS to be it...right?!"

I've always wanted children.
I'm a teacher, I love kids.
I'm an aunt and a Godparent.
LOVE children.

When my husband and I first started to try to conceive, we were so excited and in a way... foolishly optimistic.

There have been dozens of rounds of "the waiting game"

There also has been a lot of heart ache due to loss or flat out "no" results.

It took a long time for me to get to where I am now. I am finally at a place where I can honestly say I'm leaving it all up to God. Seriously.

This doesn't mean that the waiting game gets easy.

It doesn't.

I'm presently playing the game right now. I had a weird looking home pregnancy test and I need to wait it out.

And the wait is torture!

Every interesting sensation automatically takes on a new meaning. A new thought.
You wonder if that cramp is a good cramp or a bad cramp.
You pray.
You are cautious when you go to the bathroom.
You pray harder.
You take your time and try to remain calm at all times.
You're still praying.
You rub your belly and don't even know why.
You pray harder.
You look in the mirror.
You pray.

So to all my friends out there who are presently in the middle of "The Waiting Game" or have "been there" even once... these passages from the Bible may help you.

Good luck. Stay strong. Waiting isn't a bad thing. God is with us.

James 5:8 - "Be as calm in your waiting; let your hearts be strong: because the coming of the Lord is near."

James 5:7 - "Go on waiting calmly, my brothers, till the coming of the Lord, like the farmer waiting for the good fruit of the eart till the early and late rains have come."

1 Corinthians 13:4 - "Love is never tired of waiting."

And my personal favorite...
Psalms 130:5 - "I am waiting for the Lord, my soul is waiting for Him, and my hope is in his Word."

Also: Romans 5: 4-5, Psalms 37:34, Proverbs 20:22, Proverbs 27:18 ... lots of scripture on WAITING! We are not alone!

Monday, April 5, 2010

When the rain comes... seems that everyone has gone away....

I absolutely love this song. My husband made me a multi-framed collage with the lyrics and pictures of us after our first year of struggling with infertility.
I was reading my Christ notes this week, and I absolutely loved this:
God loves you not because of what you do, but because of who HE is.

God is love. (No, seriously! Check out 1 John 4:8)
God doesn't have to pretend to love you; He can't not love you, because HE is LOVE.

Why blog?

I would first like to thank my friends who read my personal journal for inspiring me to create this blog.

I gave in to their urging and decided to create a more public, faith based blog. This blog will also focus on infertility. I would like to make it clear that it is my hope that this blog will provide hope and comfort to anyone who has ever dealt with infertility (directly or indirectly).

So let's get this started....

Who am I?
I am a late twenty-something Christian woman struggling with infertility.

I have been married to my wonderful husband for nearly five years.

We have been trying to have a baby for over four years.

I am diagnosed with PCOS and ultra-sensitive hypothyroidism. As of this time, I am yet to give birth to a living baby.

For a while, I was quite angry and upset with God.
In fact, angry isn't even the appropriate word for it.
I was down right infuriated with God. Ask my Pastor, He'll tell you.
I've struggled with the "why me" and "God is torturing me" type thoughts.
I'm stubborn. It took a while for me to realize that God truly does have a plan for me and it is not my place to question HIS Works.

Infertility has changed my heart, my soul, and my faith.

To some (you know who you are), my faith is an inspiration.

This past Sunday (Easter Sunday), I went to my "home" Church and began thinking about the urging (also known as peer pressure) of my friends. I thought about how journaling helps me. I then thought about the possibilities of keeping a faith based (and then some) journal for all to read.

This journal is a work in progress. I look forward to writing, reflecting, and growing. I also look forward to seeing where this journal takes me. And of course... I look forward to reading comments. :)

Thank you, Fitbit!

My Fitbit Charge HR broke.   I took it off and it just ... broke.    I got in contact with FitBit customer service and even though my...